Dear Tommy,

It's unfair that while you broke Mom's candle holder, I am the one who has to tell her.

At least have the decency to be around so she can glare at you instead.


The Neighbour.

Dear Patches,
I know you won't understand this, but you're not a human. When I leave my bowl of pasta on the counter, you don't need to eat it. I know you feel Italian food is the best stuff on earth, but that's people food patches, people food I tell you.
When I have to be to work at 7am, please don't toss your bell balls down the stairs, play with them at the bottom, and then repeat... I don't understand why 1am is your peek hour anyway.
I love you very much, you make our family very happy, you're just a bit of a weirdo... =]


<3 Mommy


P.S. I think you should stop spying on the neighbors, it's starting to freak them out.

( sneaky )

Dear Austin,

I love you, but not nearly as much as the other momma does. It's just not possible. You were the first pet she has had since her dog passed away when she was 6. While I was adopting your sister, you managed to charm your way into her heart and find yourself a home with us as well. We love how you wait at the door for her to come home, then flop down on your back for belly rubs. I love how you help our foster cats and kittens adjust to the house quicker by being a sweet young thing and never hissing at them and how you are also fantastic with any foster dogs who come into the house.

Having said that, stop being a dick to your sister and Ivy. They are your fellow felines in the house and there is no reason you need to decide to make them think that hell is coming undone and you are trying to eat their kitty souls at any random moment. You and your sister are the best of friends most of the time, but nobody screams as loud as she can when you are tormenting her. You two have never been that close to Ivy, but she tends to leave you alone and play with Fozzie most of the time. Try paying her the same respects, if you wouldn't mind. She is faster and can out jump you on her worst day, but I'm getting tired of picking up the stuff from the bookshelf.

Speaking of Fozzie - he is a dog, and we know how much you love to play with the dogs, but he can't breath very well. He is only one and is the sweetest dog in the world. I'm sure he would love to play with you all day if his body would let him, but he can't. Please stop trying to sleep on his head and smother him. Sadie is still game for that, but Bosco is still afraid of you. Perhaps he has been talking to Ivy and Foxy, who knows.

Love you,
The momma who won't let you drink the milk out of her cereal


Dear Ivy,

The tree isn't up yet because I just can't get myself excited to clean up your cheerful holiday vomit. Lets try to leave it alone this year.

Love,
The one who tries to keep Austin from being a dick


Dear Foxy,

You are the move evil looking calico I have ever seen. You mastered the death glare within days of coming to live with us, but you are also the most demanding and cuddly cat I have ever know. Try to snuggle with the other momma, she may let you drink the milk out of her cereal bowl more often if you do.

Also - You still freak out Sadie when you head butt her and I think it is hysterical to watch the 80 lbs dog look at me like you might eat her. What did you ever do to cause reaction?

Love,
The momma with the treats

Dear Jill,

Please stop pooping in the bed when you are mad at us. We are not rich, and doing the laundry is not cheap. Also, your poop does not smell like roses. In fact, you are extremely stinky at times.

If you keep this up, Cringer's going to start thinking it is a neat idea to do the same. I do not want to have two bed-pooping cats.

I am aware that you are not impressed that we had to move again. Please try to keep in mind that we are saving a great deal of money. You are pampered and spoiled, and I realize you think you are the Supreme Ruler of Everything, but if you poop in my bed one more time, I swear I will poop in yours. None of your boxes, blankets, towels, etc. will be spared. You really have no idea how lucky you are, with all your toys and treats and the two scratching posts, etc.

Thank you,
Your Frustrated Step-Mother

Please stopping running in between my legs while I'm walking and not expecting to get kicked.

Also, you could eat DRY food once in a while. The wet food smells bad.

And there's no need to glare at me when I take your spot on the couch, there's the whole rest of the couch for you to sleep on. Not to mention your special kitty bed (that you don't use).

It'd be nice if you stop charging at cars that pull into the driveway. That way we don't freak out and think we're gonna hit you.

Love, Kacie.

Anyone got an external laptop CD drive? PCMCIA interface, not USB?

PCMCIA support isn't working in Win95, so will have to work out how to install 98se without a CD drive. Fallback would be copying the CD contents directly to the drive by putting it in another machine. If I can find an adaptor.

Dear Squishy,
You know I love you, sweetpea. But I do not love when you drag my stuffies off my bed, and downstairs into the kitchen. I know you think they're wonderful chewy babies you can carry about and love on, but please keep them in my room. I don't like stepping on a squeaky raccoon five minutes after I wake up.
And about your butt. Please keep it away from mummy's face. You are allowed to sleep by my head, but no butt to face should be happening.
And stand up to your big sister once in a while! She's a three month old black lab! I know you have claws!

Love, mummy.

Tutu,

I remember the day that you graced my life with your fuzzy presence. You were this tiny ball of fluff and you were adorable and cuddly and you enjoyed pouncing on my feet as I was trying to sleep. Well, I have one thing to ask of you. WHAT HAPPENED?! Why aren't you like that anymore? Now, I can't even walk by you without you attacking my ankles ferociously. Every time I try to pet you, you immediately become annoyed and bat at my hands. I don't appreciate this, not at all. You do realize I know your siblings, right? I know them very well because they all live with my best friend. And you know what? They're all still very adorable and cuddly and rather enjoy when their owners want to pet them! Some owners don't want to pet their cats all the time, but I do. Do you know what a lucky kitty you really are? Okay. I understand in some ways why you dislike affection. I apologize that my father is a bit too loving and likes to cuddle you tightly so you can't run away and say adorable things to you in a dumb voice. I strongly apologize for that. Still, that doesn't mean you should show me less affection because of it. Thanks. I hope this issue can be resolved.

Your loving owner,
geeeuh

Dear Smidgeon-kitten,

The Phooka asks that we get a few things straight.

First of all, all of us in the household KNOW you love feathers.

And although The Phooka's tail is soft and fluffy, IT IS NOT MADE OF FEATHERS!

Please keep your paws to yourself. He does not like to be goosed by playful kitten paws in the search of feathers to kill.

Second. The Phooka and I do NOT need kitten assistance when cleaning his scent glands.

'nuff said.



Smidgeon and The Phooka share Momma's lap.



"Don't even try it, kid. Just... Don't."



Bunkmates.

Dear Doyle and Spike,

The bathtub is not a kitty wrestling ring. Go downstairs if you're going to roughhouse at 4am. The next time you two wake me up with kitty WWF I'm going to turn on the shower.

Love,

Mom

Slumming it through the dregs of the Internet. This is where you will find yourself the moment you touch legacy hardware.

Websites of the devotee user, packed with all the uselessly titled raw 8-character filenames and all the unfathomable organisational arrangements you can imagine. Sinking into yourself as you try to pad unnoticed through the virtual red-light district that is ad-supposed file repositories; mis-advertised and mis-labled downloads, the surprise bangkok ladyboys of the market. The thankful, almost antiseptic haven of the vendors florescent-tube lit back room where they've simply forgotten, forgiven or overlooked deleting those decade-old drivers from their Hungarian mirror website.

All the time lugging files back to the unit of your attention, one floppy disk at a time and perpetually waiting on installers that can only extract to sacrificial spare disk.

Formatting.. 1%.. 2%.. 3%..

A brief donor, as you then copy the files back to the hard drive again where you can keep them on hard.

And finally, if you're skilled or just plain lucky enough, the ancient soundcard will chime with Windows 95 starting up. One by one the pixilated yellow exclamation points will disappear from the hardware list as you run through the options. An old copy of Aida, likewise painfully dissected and transferred to the machine one disk worth at a time, helping you on your way as the new drivers offer you the otherwise Russian roulette of specific hardware choices. Pluck the data from the BIOS, make a match and hope it takes.

A new power supply arrives, and the joy of having a once much sought-after lithium-ion battery in the machine fills you as it starts to charge and hold it.

And occasionally, miraculously, that final restart will leave you a piece of working hardware rather than a well time-invested plastic brick.

---

TLDR; I have a Panasonic CF-25 Toughbook. It's almost working.

To both my darlings-

We have a mouse problem. You are really dropping the ball here. Quit whining at me when you hear them under the kitchen sink and kill them already. I will now see each of you individually to discuss some issues...


Dear Muffin,

I understand that you have been our only cat for seven years. I know you humored us when we got the dog, because she lives outside. But you must understand. THE NEW CAT IS NOT LEAVING, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU BOP OR GROWL AT HIM. And another thing, sweetheart? He just got neutered yesterday. There's a reason he's in my room, which is normally your place. And don't give me that look, you know just as well that you could both coexist in the same room JUST FINE.

I still love you best, but come on, be a grown up, sweetie. It's been almost two months. He's staying.

-Mommy


Dear Asparagus,

You got neutered yesterday, dear. I don't think that running and jumping and otherwise just...flying about as you normally do is the best idea. I must insist in particular, that you STOP POUNCING MUFFIN WHEN SHE IS NOT LOOKING. Do you realize that she spent the whole time while you were gone trying to figure out where you were going to jump out at her from? THAT is why she doesn't like you sweetie. She's getting old and doesn't LIKE to be pounced. She still has energy, so if you'd just tone down yours, and let her actually GET TO KNOW YOU, the two of you could have a fairly fun relationship. And another thing; You are too freaking cute to say no to, but you need to stop the ferocious noming and clawing at the hands. Your milk teeth are gone and you're really starting to do genuine damage.

Just a reminder, your name is "ASPARAGUS." I know everybody calls you many things, such as "Aspartigus" "Guster" "Gusterpus" "Asparaguster" "Augustapus" "GusGus" and others, but in general, your name is "Gus." So you need to get with the program, like Muffins has graciously showed you, and come when you're called.

Love you sweetheart, but we still have a long way to go on your training, dear Asparagusterpus.

-Mommy

Thanks for getting my mom to like cats.

That is all.

The Human.

It looks like winter arrives here next week - the weather people are all saying 'rain, rain, and more rain' for the entire week. Please take advantage of the little shelter we've set up for you!

~The Tizzy's Management Team

One thing I love about living on the Outer Banks has been experiencing all its seasons. Prior to this, I'd only known it in summer and the earliest part of fall. But winter also brings its gifts.

Such as these:




The tundra swans are here. Yesterday, I drove down to the Pea Island National Wildlife Refuge Visitor's Center to do some shopping (yay, volunteer discount!) and saw them out on the water--islands of white in the grey storm. I don't know how they manage to be so majestic when the wind is howling and rain slashing down, but they were perfect grace out there. I watched them and a few red-breasted mergansers through the spotting scope for quite a while.

A biologist friend of mine here has to go and count them tomorrow, and I think that swan-counting would be much preferable to bean-counting. :)

I can just imagine the conversation:

Mom/Spouse/Significant Other: "What did you do all day?"

Biologist K: "I counted swans."

Pretty cool.

Also, it seems like the entire OBX will be on holiday for the next month. Tomorrow is the Lighting of the Trees at First Friday, then the Christmas Parade on Saturday (wherein apparently many biologists will be walking around in animal costumes!) But the event I'm most excited about is this:




Elizabethan food! Games! Dancing! Song!

*blisses out*

Otherwise, am frantically trying to finish this novel before friends come to visit at the end of the year. Wishing luck to everyone who's in the same boat!

Severus,

I appreciate you taking my words the other day to heart. I haven't seen or heard you gnawing on the blinds, and it makes me happy.

I also love that you always meet me at the door when I come back from smoking my cig for the night. And following me up to bed where we then snuggle and sleep.

And while I don't mind that you walked across my head this morning, since you're not actually stepping on me, I DO mind when your butt slides across my cheek. That is NOT COOL! NOT COOL in the least! Please refrain from doing so in the future and I'll make sure you get treaties later on this week, k?


<3 Your Mom

Dear Coconut,

I love you, I really do. But I need to know...why do you lay on the back of the sofa until I get up and steal my seat every time? You know you'll just get evicted when I return. And I feel bad, but you shouldn't fall asleep so easily.

I love you, you silly ball of fluff. <3

Love,
Momma.